however, it was when she asked me “how long do you think you’ll keep doing this for? what’s the plan?”. i looked at her for a few seconds before i chuckled my answer:

“i’ve only been doing this for 3 years! i just started!”

“well i KNOW, but when am i gonna see your name in the credits for a big movie? i want to see that!”

again, i stared at her in slight shock.

“you… i went to school for musical theatre. i’m not really a film actor.” (i have done on-camera work that has even played at the TCL chinese theater in hollywood, but it’s not my main passion)

“okayyy,” she sighed “then what are you doing on these ships? you need to be up on stage performing!”

“i AM performing. every night for 3 hours, solo, i’m entertaining tons of people. just ask my parents!” (they’ve witnessed it firsthand)

“yeah well, it’s not the same.”

pause.

what?

it’s not the same?

this is coming from someone who isn’t in even remotely in the performing arts world.

“i can promise you that what i am doing is performing. it’s just not on a big theatre stage.” i press. “i love music theatre and i miss it everyday, but it’s not going anywhere. i’m ALSO a musician. i’m travelling and doing what i love every night, and i’m really happy with it.”

nothing seemed to satisfy.

she then proceeded to list the big theatre companies in our nearby city and how i should be performing there. little does she know that a majority of their productions hire equity actors from the UNITED STATES.

“don’t you want to at least perform in the theatre on the ship?” she whined.

“no, because my job has way more perks than theirs!” i proceeded to explain all the privileges that i get as a musician, and how my contract lengths are half the length of the theatre performers (which i prefer a 2-4 month contract over a 6-8 month!!). while i have debated auditioning for it, the timing hasn’t worked yet. and again: i love the job that i have already.

“but what about when you’re home? why not try to do do music stuff here?” she asked.

of course, she doesn’t know that it is significantly harder to get consistent musician gigs on land, and at a fraction of the pay. i was going to explain that to her, but i was getting pretty frustrated so i said:

“i work for Disney. is that not enough for you?”

this made her laugh and lay off a little.

arguably one of the biggest entertainment companies in the world, and i was one of the lucky few who had proven their skills and talent to be working consistently for them for 3+ years now. let alone being a young woman in this field of work and having to prove myself WAY MORE than my male counterparts.

a big company name that sits at the top of my resume like a shiny trophy. a household name. a name that everyone knows.

and yet.

it’s not enough.

people have their own ideas of what your accomplishments should be. it happens to everyone, but so much so with performers. artists, musicians, dancers, writers, etc.

they box you into their brain in what a “success” would be to them, even if they’re miles apart from the industry. a doctor asking me why i’m not on broadway. a mechanic demanding what movies i’ve been in. the countless skeptical reactions i’ve received after revealing that my bachelors degree is in fine arts/musical theatre.

yet here i am, defending my accomplishments, listing anything that may be “good enough” to pass their test of success. but sometimes even my biggest accomplishments simply aren’t enough. because i’m not “in the credits on the big screen” (again, i’m 99% sure she knows that i’m a musician/performer first, and not really a screen actor).

this conversation has been a stain on my shirt for a few days now. i already struggle with feeling the need to chase something new, instead of sitting in what i’ve dreamed about and enjoy it in the moment. i’ve only been doing this for 3 years! i don’t need to tell you “how long i plan on doing this for”.

i’ve had imposter syndrome follow me around like an annoying younger cousin since i first thought “am i good enough?”. so forgive me for scoffing at you when my list of accomplishments aren’t “good enough” for you.

i’m really really good at what i do.

and you can’t tell me otherwise.

peace and love,

kb <3

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it’s late in the evening, we just watched a live performance (a show I used to play in) where they sang “Moon River”, one of our favourite arrangements. we still haven’t kissed yet, but the pressure has been mounting all day. in fact, it’s been mounting for months of texting and audio messages and calls, and has lingered in the air since we last said goodbye with a quick friendly peck, both buzzing on lack of sleep and a budding crush.

we make it back to his room, and I turn on “Moon River” (Barbara Streisand’s version) and ask for a dance. he takes my hand (“damn, I’m pretty smooth” i think) and we slowly dance. i can feel his heartbeat pounding along with mine as nerves start to creep in. but as Babs crescendos and softens to the end of the song, we pull back and kiss. finally. giddy on wine and music, we giggle through breaths.

from then on, it becomes our song. something that always makes us think of one another. i had already loved this song before, having played it in a live jazz show with people i adore. and every time i had played it after the kiss, he would be there to watch, and we’d share a silent smile and “i love you” across the crowds.

we even talked about it being our first dance song. something so intimate, so special, that only the best song would do. that was our song: “Moon River”.

that first kiss was 2.5 years ago.

we’re not together anymore.

so what do you with a song that you loved before, but is now the orphan of a failed relationship?

what do you do when that song makes you want to cry, to scream, to throw things at the walls because you will never get those 2.5 years back? because you can only work everyday to remember that you are not a bad person, that you are kind, and that you will never let someone treat you the way he did again? what once was a song you loved because of good things now only remind you of bad?

you keep playing it.

i work as a musician. i sing and i play piano on cruise ships for my job (forever grateful for this). for a few weeks after january, i couldn't fathom playing or singing it, even if it fit into so many of my set themes, or people wanted to hear it. because if i thought about the words or got lost in the melody, i would surely cry.

but something amazing happened instead…

in march, i started a new contract, and started playing “Moon River” again every cruise. i would tell people that it’s one of my favourites; that it’s one of the most beautiful songs every written; that it’s an iconic piece of music. but i didn’t tell them that it could’ve been my soundtrack to my first dance. that the thought of marrying the person connected to that song had terrified me, and that i didn’t listen to that gut instinct for 2.5 years. i let those thoughts and emotions flow out of my fingers, out of my voice, each time until it was washed away little by little, like the waves hitting the side of the ship. eventually, i fell back in love with it.

on my last contract, i played it as the very last song on my last day. 3 years since i started this job. almost 3 years since we met. but i am more than he ever was, i am back to myself, and i have found my moon river again. it’s now my own love song because i am my greatest love.

and he cannot take that away from me.

Moon river and me,

kb <3

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hold her softly
she has just been through the worst

sweat, wet, breath puffing
but they are both breathing

hold her close to your chest
tell her she did a good job

new life
your life
holds a piece of you



my mother will never hold me while i hold my own child
and i mourn that everyday

but it’s my choice
and i only hope that she doesn’t think

that i am the wrong daughter.

kb <3

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while i am back home in Canada now, i wanted to finish out my japan diaries and share my closing thoughts on this trip.

where we left off

i had learnt mahjong, romanticized playing pool in a bar, and was going to learn snowboarding. which i did!! let’s talk about it!

some lore: i’ve been skiing my entire life, and even ski-raced for 6 years when i was younger. so it’s safe to say that skiing isn’t usually a challenge for me. however! i have never ever snowboarded. it’s scary trying new things, especially when you know you’re good enough at something similar… but let me tell y’all… it was SO MUCH FUN. my friend’s a ski instructor and used to teach snowboarding as well, so she had me up and turning before lunchtime. AND i only fell a couple times (and usually just onto my butt). i’m already excited to keep snowboarding next season, and i’m hoping to find a cheap board+boot online this summer.

so moral of the story: try something new. even if you’re scared you’ll fall on your face, because you might just find a new thing to fall in love with.

((edit: between me writing this part and finishing this piece, i snowboarded AGAIN! i borrowed a friend’s board and managed to board on my home hill! i didn’t even fall once on my last run. and the euphoria i got from doing something new/hard again was *chef’s kiss*.))

accidents

so remember when i said i’m really comfortable skiing? yeah… i may have crashed into my friend on one of our last days 😂 i went to spray her and her sister (stopping really quickly so you spray snow up onto someone), hit an ice patch and ran right into my friend. ouchhhhh. bent my neck so far that i thought i had broken it for a few seconds.. but alas, i did not. but i DID feel like an old man for a few days afterwards.

moral of this story? even if you’re comfortable in something, it can still surprise you. and maybe don’t try to spray your friend’s sister while going super fast.

crying at disneyland

after spending about 10 days in Hakuba skiing, i made my way back to Tokyo where i spent two days visiting the disney parks there! they have Tokyo DisneySea, and Tokyo Disneyland. about 2.5 years ago, i went to japan with my brother where we spent a day at DisneySea, so i was excited to go back and see the new additions they had made since then.

while i’m not a disney adult, i have worked for the mouse for the past 3 years and have gained an appreciation for the parks, the cast members, and just the level of detail that i find in disney entertainment. and it’s even more fun to see the differences between the US parks and international parks! i would love to visit Shanghai, Hong Kong or the Paris park sometime soon.

now… i didn’t gain this appreciation alone. for a majority of my time with the company, i was dating someone who’s a disney fanatic, who grew up near disneyland and had a lot of knowledge and lore to share. i know these diaries have consisted a lot of my thoughts around my recent relationship… but it’s been really cathartic. so i’m gonna indulge a little bit more:

there was a strange feeling that hit me visiting the parks.

nobody talks about the intimate grief that comes with visiting somewhere by yourself that you had once talked about visiting with a parter (who you're no longer with). you walk around and wonder what it would’ve been like, if they would’ve enjoyed the same things you are. you sit across from an empty chair at dinner and reminisce. but then you also feel a sense of pride. i took myself to this park! alone! i don’t need to go with a partner to enjoy life and visit places and have fun and eat good food and make memories!!! so while yes, i had some moments that made me sad, i think it was exactly what i needed.

with that outta the way… let’s go over my highlights of these disney days!

let’s go SEA this park!

tokyo disneysea!! one of the coolest theme parks out there, in my humble opinion. since being there, they opened up the “fantasy springs” area, which included a section for arendelle (frozen), tangled, and neverland (peter pan). it’s also right by the fantasy springs hotel, where i saw belle and cinderella. belle is one of my favs (any bookworm can agree hehe), so of course i had to go over and have a chat with her :)

i got to go on the new tangled ride (the animatronics were incredible), the new peter pan ride, eat at the arendelle castle, journey to the center of the earth (there’s an entire jules verne section!!!), sinbad’s storybook voyage (i’m a chandu fan), and the finding nemo ride.

for dinner, i ate aboard their replica steamliner ship in the S.S. Columbia dining room. i got to hav wagyu steak for dinner, vegetable soup, prawn, and a delicious dessert. the staff were so friendly and got so excited when i said the few japanese words i know😂. something i’ve learned in the past years is that dining in restaurants at the disney parks have been some of my favourite meals i’ve ever had. and the S.S. Columbia didn’t disappoint!

from SEA to LAND

my first time at tokyo disneyland! it was all decorated for a minnie mouse celebration parade, so lots of pink polka dots and bows everywhere. i was actually really surprised at the layout and size of the park! it was smaller than i thought it would’ve been, but i’m also very used to disneyland and disneyworld’s parks.

what surprised me the most was the “outdated” things still there. for example, on the “pirates of the Caribbean” ride at disneyland, there used to be a section where the pirates were auctioning off women (“a wench for a bride”), as well as an area where men were chasing women around in circles. for OBVIOUS reasons, they updated this at disneyland and replaced it with captain red, and took out the chasing.

so you can just imagine my surprise when we turned the corner and saw that captain red was nowhere to be seen! they also still have splash mountain so… there’s that.

something about disney that i’ve always loved are the employees. even as one myself, i still love having magical moments with them. when i was standing in line to say hi to donald duck (he’s my favourite, sue me), one of the cast members saw me standing there and came up to me asking me if i was by myself, if this was my first visit here, etc. then she made me a special sticker with my name on it!! i had been standing in line for a little bit and was in my head, so her kindness was exactly what i needed🥹.

i ended my day watching the electric light parade, which was just such a treat. idk about you all, but i LOVE theme parks at nighttime. the lights just make it 10x more magical.

see you later

my friend came to tokyo the day i was leaving, and after a fun trip to a train museum (she’s a nerd!), i headed back to Narita airport. my flight home was easy, and i watched a lot of Schitt’s Creek.

this had been my third time to Japan, and each time i’ve felt a different version of myself. each time, i’ve been in a different place in my life, and each time i’ve left feeling ready for what might happen between now and my next trip to japan.

thank you to everyone who’s read my diary entries for this trip. if you’ve never visited japan, i hope this has inspired you! if you have, please feel free to share with me your favourite parts as well!!

until next time,

kb <3

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happy lunar new year!! what are you? i’m the year of the rabbit (so is my mom, and i even have a tattoo of a rabbit on my leg, though for several reasons).

let’s start from where i left off last time: going out to karaoke.

people watching is my favourite sport

okay so… we actually didn’t end up going to karaoke. the bar that had it was DEAD, so we ended up going to an aussie bar (lots of aussie accents there lol) and i got to have a yuzu beer. 10/10.

here’s some of my thoughts from being there:

• i’ve always loved people watching. i think i get it from my mom. one of my favourite memories with her is when i first visited las vegas. we were sitting together waiting for my brothers+dad, and she turned to me and said “i just love people watching. it’s so fun to see how other people present themselves to the world.” we sat and watched together, happily sitting in the silence. i was doing a lot of people watching last night.

• anybody else struggle with flirting/eye contact across the room? i can never tell if someone is genuinely looking at me with interest or if i just happen to catch their eye multiple times before quickly looking away (lol).

• i showed an aussie man a picture of chris evans in his “knives out” white sweater, because he was wearing something similar. i don’t think he’d ever seen “knives out” because he didn’t seem to understand the reference… oh well.

• i complimented a girl on her overalls and my GOD do i love complimenting women. it’s always such a nice moment.

• an old italian man came and sat with me and my friend and offered to buy us drinks (we said no thank you) and i was annoyed that he had taken a seat next to us. but luckily he didn’t stay long.

• playing pool is one of the most flirtatious things you can do with someone. tell me i’m wrong!!! you get to bend over and show off your butt, maybe sink some cool shots, look super cool doing it. pool was made for dark, smoke-filled bars that have an air of anticipation around them.

• i wonder if anyone thinks i'm attractive at a glance. not that it really matters what strangers think, but sometimes i wish they could have a sign on them that lights up when they ARE interested. not that i have any capability in flirting… it would just be kinda fun to know, y’know?

• yuzu is a great flavour.

  

  

into the thick of it

day 2 of skiing! we went over to Hakuba 47 and Goryu. and let me tell you… it was soup out there. the fog was so thick we could barely tell which way was up or down. luckily, my friend knows her way around the mountain very well, and we found areas that had cleared up.

now the fog didn’t end up getting me, but these dang moguls did. again: i have skied my entire life and even alpine raced for a bit!! i know how to ski!!! but japan moguls were throwing hands. i was upside down for a moment today, and don’t need to go to the chiropractor after my body found itself around. don’t worry, i’m okay. just my dignity got bruised a little bit. but nothing that pork curry couldn’t fix :)

tomorrow i’m going to try snowboarding for the first time ever… can’t wait to update on that.

i speak chinese now?

okay, i can't. BUT i did learn mahjong today and had to figure out all the symbols and call them out in chinese SO…. catch me in china soon.

my friend’s family made a delicious meal for the lunar new year, then we played mahjong for a few hours, and i even was gifted a red envelope!

i’ve been thinking lots this year about how silly it is that new year’s eve happens at such a dark, cold time of year. i absolutely think new year’s should start after lunar new year. january is still for hibernating.

i also had the thought that i am so blessed to have friends who teach me different cultures and languages. even growing up, i was lucky to have friends who opened my worldview and introduced me to things my white-ass-family wouldn’t do!

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thank you for keeping up with these diaries! it’s been fun :)

kb <3

welcome to diary #2!

double trouble valentine’s

i was lucky enough to experience valentine’s day TWICE this year (ugh)… once on february 14 here in japan, and then again through all of the posts on instagram when north america caught up to the date. the first one was great :) my friend and i hung out while i got over jet lag, had some homemade ramen, and sat and cross-stitched together while watching a true crime documentary. truly what can get better than that?!

however, of course, i had to experience valentine’s day through the lens of social media. i’ve never been one to be really into it, but have done my best when in a relationship to make the day extra special. but i can honestly say i can only really remember one good valentine’s day. and it’s also the day where you get to see your old exes post their new partners!! always kinda weird seeing it but hey not my monkey not my circus anymore.

if you read my last entry, you’ll know that this trip means a lot to me because i was supposed to go on it last year but didn’t to appease a man (my bf at the time). now, a year later, being single on valentine’s day feels… okay. my last relationship was very exhausting, and valentine’s day felt like a huge pressure for me to “get right”. no matter how hard i tried, something always felt like i had let him down. to not have that pressure this year feels amazing.

also, side note: i apologize for this and future ex-talk!!! but this trip is bringing stuff up! and that’s okay!!!

so my hope for next valentine’s day is to just be happy. with myself or with someone, with friends, with life, whatever. i hope my heart is full of love again and the bruises are healed a little more <3

ski day #1!

woohoo! my friend and i got up early and headed out to our first mountain of the trip! we skied norikura and cortina (not italy lol), and got some 10$ ramen (ugh i love japanese food). there was even a mogul race setup and a bunch of people racing down it and doing flips and shit!!

now i’ve showered, had a snack, and we’re gonna go out to a karaoke bar tonight :’) i’m so lucky.

thank you to everyone who reads my lil posts <3 you’re all my valentine 💌

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kb <3

i’m visiting one of my besties up in Hakuba to go skiing! lore drop: i’ve skied my entire life and actually did competitive alpine racing for many years when i was younger!! but i’ve never skied in Japan before, so i’m VERY excited.

leaving on a jet plane

i took a 10-hour flight from Canada to Tokyo before catching a few trains/shinkansens and making my way up to Hakuba :)

i love a good long flight… inevitably i always find myself tearing up at some point (either for happy or sad reasons), and there’s something magical about being up in the air for hours at a time, disconnected from the world below.

the last time i visited Japan, i spent a lot of my flight texting a boy. i was in the rushes of a new crush/budding relationship, and it was very exciting. fast-forward to now, and we recently broke up. time is a funny thing. i look back on that last trip and i find myself missing that katie. she was so excited and full of energy, full of love and ready for anything. now i’m a little more tired, my heart has been worn down slowly since that trip, and i’m holding it much closer to my chest.

i was supposed to go on this ski trip last year, but after a tumultuous (and somewhat traumatizing) first breakup, we had just patched things up when i mentioned going to see my friend in Japan and how i had planned it so i could be back before valentine’s day (i'm currently writing this ON valentine’s day 2026, funny enough). this… did not go over well. i cancelled the trip, and regretted it since. so when we broke up, i texted my friend immediately to ask if i could come see her. she said of course. i’m happy i get to have a redo, and hope that in the future i’ll have more courage to stand up for myself if i’m ever in a romantic relationship again.

so as i looked outside the plane window, i mourned a version of myself that hadn’t yet gone through that relationship. who was excited for it. i wonder what i’ll mourn the next time i fly to Japan.

it’s easy to be consume with the thoughts of a failed relationship and how you didn’t accomplish anything during those years… but if i look back, i’m still happy to know that i got to experience amazing things, with and without that partner. and there are new beginnings happening now <3

it also didn’t help that i put the Barbie movie on!! 🥺 (makes me cry every time)

hello, snow!

my first time in Japan during the winter! my friend came and picked me up from the train station, and we drove in the dark towards the mountains. waking up this morning, i opened my curtains to find beautiful white peaks looking back at me.

i grew up right next to the Rocky Mountains, so they always have a special place in my heart. but i truly do believe that mountains can heal you. they remind you that you are a funny little person on a floating rock, and that the things that trouble you will ebb and flow just like the snow that forms and melts on the peaks.

i’m also just excited to carve some turns on them too 😎⛷️

can i also just say how much i LOVE the food in Japan?! seriously… it’s my favourite cuisine. and if you know me, you know that the minute i touch down i’m grabbing a Pocari Sweat and a rice ball <3 be ready for lots of food pictures in the future…

rest and relax

today i’ll be resting from the jet lag. i’m thankful to be spending valentine’s day away from the craziness that it is back in north america (don’t need to be reminded!) and with one of my best friends.

next up: bars, karaoke, skiing, good food, good laughs <3

thanks for joining me!

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kb <3

I’m sick and tired of timelines. If I could take an eraser to this word in the dictionary, watching it fade as I hack at it relentlessly, I would.

No, I’m not talking about work timelines.

No, I’m not talking about your social media timeline.

No, I’m not talking about historical timelines.

I am talking about society’s timelines.

“Katie and Kieran sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!”

(Thank you to my grade 5 class for singing this to me and my first crush)

Every single serious relationship I have been in has had me watch my partner slowly erode until all that was left was a neatly planned timeline. A schedule to hit certain things by certain times. Sex, marriage, living together, kids. Each and every time, I have stared in horror as I was met with the same fate my previous relationships had succumbed to.

I’m 16, and I’m told that if we work our way towards it, we could have “actual” sex in the next two months. We broke up.

I’m 19, and I’m told that if I go to University, we’d have to get engaged as soon as possible. We broke up.

I’m 22, and I’m told that the timing to move in together was right, even though my visa was expiring soon. We broke up.

I’m 26, and I’m told that everyone else is getting engaged, and that I should want the same thing because he wants to before he turns 30. We broke up.

If you’re one of my exes reading this, I mean no harm. Peace and love, truly. I just need to let this one out, okay?

I have never been one to follow the crowd. Since I was a kid, I knew I didn’t want children. I even thought that the moment you kissed at your wedding, you got pregnant! So I was determined to never get married either. When I found out that they were two different things, I was relieved, but I still have been weary of marriage since then. I’ve also struggled with vaginismus which in turn has led to a lot of interesting dates with men. Needless to say, I’m a little weird. I noticed this ever-looming timeline of society early on, and have been fighting tooth and nail to make sure I don’t let it grab me by my ankles and drag me in.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting these things. I love and respect people who decide to get married, have kids, etc, and I know quite a few happy couples! It’s just never been quite my thing.

So why has it felt like I’m the crazy one? And more importantly, why are so many men obsessed with following this societal timeline? A few of my theories include:

• There have been studies recently showing that young women are less likely to want to get married and have children than young men. 1 2

• The use of social media makes FOMO weasel its way into major life decisions, and is causing a panic.

• In their opinion, if a man can’t get married, have kids and be “the man of the house”, then what else could his purpose possibly be?

• Men rely heavily on their romantic partners for emotional comfort and support, making them more likely to be depressed when single. 3 (To quote a great substack article I read while writing this: “Because what a lot of these men want isn’t really companionship. It’s comfort. It’s the security blanket of a woman’s emotional labor, without the reciprocity that makes a relationship a relationship. They want to be held, but they don’t want to hold back.” read it here )

• It’s highly believed that men benefit more from marriages than women do. For them, why wouldn’t you want that if you got the better end of the deal? 4

Every person is different, and I’m not saying that these are the exact reasons, but I feel as if I’ve encountered each of them in my own personal experience at least once.

And I’m tired of experiencing it.

Give me a love that’s free from this unconscious race, from the shackles that threaten to grasp me, from the feeling of wasted time.

Speaking of wasted time… if I hear one more partner tell me “I just don’t want this to be a waste of time” I’m going to commit arson!!! But I won’t open that can of worms right now.

I won’t lie and tell you that I’ve never imagined what my own dream wedding would look like. Actually… I’ll indulge a little right now:

It would be outside beneath a willow tree, with live musicians playing Lord of the Rings music for the walks. The aisle would be in a “Y” shape to let me and my imaginary partner meet together and walk together. My dress would be white but with green embroidery of fauna and flora. I would see all my closest friends, family, and smile at my bridal party. The reception would be in an old castle. There would be a dirty pop bar next to the alcohol bar, and there’d be a live band playing all my favourite songs. I’d have soup, salmon, sushi and cheesecake for food.

It would be a wonderful time.

But I don’t know if I’ll ever have that.

I’m okay with that thought, even if it makes me a little sad, but I refuse to marry simply because “that’s just what you do”. Hell, I don’t even think I want to be officially married at all. I cannot grasp how someone shapes their entire life around that fact… chasing relationships and people hoping that this time it’ll be the one that lands. Why not just… love freely? Embrace community? Let yourself grow and witness you at every version of yourself?

While it’s a beautiful thing to share and build a life with someone, you are not a failure of a person if you don’t. The timeline will not care about you for long anyways.

Maybe I’m just angry that I haven’t found a love that enjoys its time, that allows breathing, that makes me actually feel seen and safe. Maybe I’ll eat these words one day. Maybe someone will come along and they’ll turn everything I feel about this on its head.

But I won’t hold my breath waiting for that.

I’d rather go waste my own time ;)

kb <3

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I used to hate my hair.

You might be looking at my profile picture and wondering “shaved head? she clearly has a sick shag haircut!” (thank you, btw). It’s true! I shaved my head once, and I even have proof:

So what made me do it?

I hated my hair.

Tomboy

I grew up as the youngest of four kids and the only girl. I grew up in the dirt, I wore my brother’s hand-me-downs, went out of my way to make guy friends over girls (trust me, I was not a pick-me and was just genuinely terrified to talk to most girls...), and was a very typical tomboy.

I loved being a tomboy.

But one thing that I didn’t change was my hair. It was long with bangs, straight, dirty blonde, and a staple of my early childhood pictures.

It wasn’t until grade 6 that I became very conscious of it. I noticed other girls hair and the reactions they’d get from it, and I felt like my hair wasn’t good enough. So what did I do? I chopped it off! It was an... interesting cut, with many of friends referring to me as Justin Bieber.

I did not love this look. Nothing like giving yourself a terrible haircut in the midst of puberty and insecurities!

I wanted my long hair back so badly. Luckily, it grew out very quickly and I was back to my long locks come grade 8 (grade 7 was not fun for the grow-out journey), and I just let it keep growing. And growing. I would give it healthy trims now and then, but it typically sat below my chest for a majority of the time. After having a go at short hair, I did not enjoy it and was determined to stay away from that fate again.

But what happens when you grow your hair out from a place of insecurity?

That insecurity grows with you.

Hair

Hair is said to hold memory.

While there’s no scientific evidence to this, many people believe that it’s true. Hair is seen as an extension of someone. When you remember how you styled it for an important event, when it falls out due to stress or illness, or when someone tells you they love your hair, it all sticks with you. Which is why a lot of people started doing the “therapeutic chop” online.

This became a tik tok trend in recent years, with women showing their beautiful new haircuts while captioning “hair holds trauma/memory”. I’m not sure if that’s something that holds true in a religion or culture, but I know the significance of hair can play different roles in certain cultures. Personally, I grew up with “boys have short hair, girls have long hair”. Tragic, I know.

Whether it’s because it feels lighter afterwards, or maybe hair really does store something within it on an invisible level, I know that the feeling of lightness after a new haircut is something special. You’re shedding, releasing, letting go.

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Stupid

I started to hate my hair. There was nothing wrong with it, and it didn’t do anything wrong to me. It didn’t hurt me, call me names, hit me; it just sat there atop my head. So where did this loathing come from?

The best way I can describe it is that I felt stupid. My hair had made me feel stupid. I felt like people (men) would only take me seriously if I had my hair up in a ponytail. Was this true? I’m not sure, but it certainly felt real at the time. It was as if something about my long hair screamed: “I don’t know anything! I’m just a girl with long hair!”. This felt insane to me! I’m a feminist! I love women with long hair! But… I started to resent it. I resented my hair, I resented myself for even thinking these things, and for not just loving myself and my femininity.

Let me be clear: I don’t actually think having long hair is a bad thing. Women are my favourite beings in the universe, and I could never actually hate someone for their hair. For some reason, however, I had turned mine into the enemy.

Was it because I grew up a tomboy? Was I trying to prove to men that I was more than my “girly traits”? Did the patriarchal mentality decide to make a nice nest atop my head? Did I wish I wasn’t a woman? Oh shit, what’s my gender? Where do I fit into this world?? Will I ever be happy???

My thoughts would always get away from me when I’d go down this rabbit hole.

But after all these feelings, all this negativity, if I peeked behind the curtain I found insecurity. She had followed me from middle school, and I had to get rid of her.

The Shave

I’m an impulsive person. I literally have a brain that can’t control impulses (hi to all my ADHD pals!), so a lot of people’s initial assumptions were that I did it on a random whim. And while part of that is true (I bought the clippers and let them sit in my bathroom until one day I went “I’M GONNA DO IT”), this was something that had been sitting within me since high school. What started out as “wouldn’t it be funny if I did this?” slowly morphed into “I think I want to do this…”. By the end of 2020, it had blossomed.

With the help of my roommates and (now ex) boyfriend, I cut my hair, then shaved it until I had a fuzzy peach head.

It was weird.

I felt… relieved? But also strange. Was I going to panic and regret it? Scream and cry? No. I actually couldn’t stop touching my own head, dancing around and spinning without hair whipping my face, admiring the shape of my skull, and laughing at it all. But something did bother me… and it was from my ex. He was a really sweet guy, and while I don’t want to drag him into this, his reaction definitely played a big role in it. He wasn’t rude, wasn’t weird about it, just simply was more reserved and stated “well… it’ll take some getting used to.” I’m not sure if he ever did get used to it. While I fully understand that your partner has every right to feel weird about changes, something about this felt different. Even when my hair grew out, I felt like I had broken something between us. And suddenly, while solving one issue, I had created a whole new one.

I didn’t feel stupid anymore, I felt… unwanted.

It was time for me to experience first-hand the way that society values and praises long hair in women, and looks down upon those who forgo it.

Reactions

I’m thankful that my mom is cool. She’s had short hair for a long time, and had to raise 3 devil boys and 1 perfect angel girl (hehe). She never pressured me into having certain haircuts, or to do “girly things”. She let me be me. When I was shopping for a grad dress I had joked about just getting a cool suit instead, which she reacted with enthusiasm, not disgust. So when I came home for Christmas break wearing a toque to hide my fuzzy head, she was the first to embrace it when I revealed it.

This was much nicer than other reactions I received.

They varied from confusion, excitement, teasing, disbelief, and more. One person claimed I had “gone crazy” and shaved my head because of that. I told them that I had wanted to do it since high school, but they still insisted. My dialect teacher at university had me stay after a zoom class to ask if I was okay (I was actually very touched by this and reassured her that I was, in fact, okay). Hell, even religion got brought into it. From all these varying reactions, I want you to take a guess at who the majority of the negative reactions came from…

Go on, I’ll wait!

If you guessed men, you got it right!!!

Are we starting to see some kind of pattern here? Hmm…

While a majority of people thought it was cool, I found that men looked at me differently now. Men I knew, men who were related to me, men who were my friends, or who were strangers. It was almost like their gazes bounced off of me. Like they were actually scared to look at me, to perceive a young woman who dared to defy the status quo lest they catch some sort of disease from me. But from this aversion I suddenly started to feel… different. Maybe I didn’t need the approval of men? Maybe I didn’t need to conform to their standard beauty looks? What good has it ever gotten me?! When I did conform, I felt dumb; I felt like they wouldn’t listen to me. Now that I didn’t, it felt like they were scared of me. And you know what?

Let them be scared.

Decentering Men

I’m sure most of you have heard the term “decentering men” by now. Originally coined by Charlie Taylor in her 2019 book, Decentering Men, she explains it as:

“‘To decenter men is to actively interrogate and undo the ways the patriarchy has taught us to center them in our thoughts, decisions, and self-worth,’ explains Taylor. ‘The patriarchy embeds itself deep in our psyche. It teaches us that men are the prize, the rescuer, the final destination.’ To decenter men is to acknowledge and unlearn these internalized beliefs and the systems they uphold and to reorient our lives around new ones.”1

It’s blown up since then. Personally, I hadn’t heard this term until very recently, but I felt like I was actively living in it in 2021 when I had no hair. Since I was being perceived by men differently for the first time in my life, I found that maybe I didn’t care about being perceived by them at all. I didn’t need to be perceived by them. I could simply… exist (what a crazy concept).

From feeling insecure, to feeling unwanted, I now felt like I had control. This small thing that has followed me my whole life like a sick dog hiding behind every corner, was now being brought to light. They couldn’t control me. I had decided to do what made me happy, regardless of how they felt, how my ex felt, how my family felt. It also allowed me to question my own gender identity, and how I wanted to align my outside look with how I felt on the inside; something I had always felt held back from because of my long hair.

As my hair slowly grew back out, it was imbued with this strength.

Regrowth

I didn’t keep my fuzzy head for too long, and slowly began the process of growing it back out. It grew into what I coined as a “baby-mullet”, and I kept it there for a bit before I decided to keep growing. I remember a thought that I had during this “baby-mullet” phase where I was meeting new classmates and thinking: “they have never known me with long hair”.

How crazy is that?! I felt like these new friends of mine were meeting me at my most authentic self.

Eventually, it was time for a new hairstyle. Did I want to keep growing it? Did I want to try it short again? I decided to do the best of both worlds and get a curly-hair-shag cut.

I love my hair so much now. It feels the most… me. While it is technically long, it has so many short layers on top that I still feel connected to my short-hair side. A mix of both masculine and feminine. My tomboy side is happy, and my feminine side is happy as well.

The regrowth had worked. I grew my hair out because I wanted to, not because I was a little girl and that’s what little girls do. I grew it out with love, with intention, and with a newfound strength.

It’s been just over 5 years now since I shaved my head, and I’m forever grateful that I did.

If you ever needed a sign to do it, this it it.

…oh, did I mention how easy showering was?!

kb <3

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p.s: I want to be clear that I know not everyone can choose the hair that they have. A lot of women out there wish they could have long hair, and I absolutely see you. My own decision to shave my head was a difficult one, but I see the strength in women who have no choice. I wasn’t able to donate my hair as it had been bleached/dyed before. Please know that I have the utmost respect for long hair and for whatever someone decides to do with their hair ❤️ Love y’all.

“He was sitting with his back to a great tree, as if he was resting. But Aragorn saw that he was pierced with many black-feathered arrows; his sword was still in his hand, but it was broken near the hilt; his horn cloven in two was at his side. Many Orcs lay slain, piled all about him and at his feet.

Aragorn knelt beside him. Boromir opened his eyes and strove to speak. At last slow words came. ‘I tried to take the Ring from Frodo,’ he said. ‘I am sorry. I have paid.’ His glance strayed to his fallen enemies; twenty at least lay there. ‘They have gone: the Halflings: the Orcs have taken them. I think they are not dead. Orcs bound them.’ He paused and his eyes closed wearily. After a moment he spoke again.

‘Farewell, Aragorn! Go to Minas Tirith and save my people! I have failed.’

‘No!’ said Aragorn taking his hand and kissing his brow. ‘You have conquered. Few have gained such a victory. Be at peace! Minas Tirith shall not fall!’

Boromir smiled.

‘Which way did they go? Was Frodo there?’ said Aragorn.

But Boromir did not speak again.” (The Two Towers, J.R.R. Tolkien, Page 403-404)

I hated Boromir as a kid.

Okay, put down your swords and pitchforks, hear me out.

I was lucky to have been introduced to Lord of the Rings in my childhood. Our special edition DVDs have been used more times than I can even count, and I usually rewatch the trilogy yearly. I have collectibles, have visited Hobbiton, dressed up as a Hobbit multiple times, and have Andúril tattooed on me. Twice. Needless to say, I adore these movies. I also have had my attempt at reading the books! I’ve only read through the trilogy once, and though I hope to one day, I haven’t had the courage to tackle the Silmarillion. With all this said, I will be focusing on Peter Jackson’s portrayal of Boromir. Tolkien fans: please be nice!!

Why the hate? Why is Boromir seen as a bad guy to some?

Simply put: he betrayed Frodo. We all love Frodo. We know who he is, where he came from, his love for the Shire, and we spend most of the beginning of the movie with him. When Boromir appears, he’s new, slightly hostile, agitated. As a kid, this was a really easy thing to notice. The big man with the shield yelled at and chased the little sweet Hobbit! He’s a bad guy!

What I didn’t understand back then was why he did all of that.

If you’re reading this, you probably know the reason why (or have your own opinions for it). The ring’s temptation and power corrupted even he who was one of the greatest warriors among men. One with a heart of gold, a big brother, someone who loved his city and his people. Someone like Boromir.

It’s no mistake that Tolkien wrote him the way he did. Surrounded by heroes, powerful beings and innocent hobbits, he represents us. The reader. We are man. I never fully understood as a kid just how powerful the ring was. I never understood why Frodo didn’t just toss it into the fire, why Isildur didn’t. So you think to yourself: “It’s just a ring! Throw it in! I would’ve been able to do it!” But alas… the ring is strong. Tolkien shows us that in many ways, but one of the best is through Boromir.

I always wonder about Boromir’s ride from Minas Tirith to Rivendell. Riding alone, with nothing but his thoughts and dwindling hope to keep him company. Did he already know what he was going to do? Did he plan to retrieve the ring no matter the cost? Did he wallow in despair, knowing that this trip may not bring him what he needs to help his father, his brother, his people? That he may perish, or worse, return to find his city destroyed? Either way, it makes me sad to think about. But it maybe gives insight into his attitude at the council of Elrond. He came in with a determination to fetch the ring.

“Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!"

“By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe.” On one of my recent rewatches of this movie, this line seemed to finally land on me. Here is a broken man. He is strong, but has seen so many of his people lost to keep the lands before Mordor safe, while others have not. His frustration is valid! I could almost hear him think: “You have all done nothing. While my people fought and died, you all knew of this powerful ring and kept it in the dark. This could have saved them.”

This scene is interesting because it quickly establishes Boromir as a potential threat. At least… it did when I was a kid.

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Even for those who wish to do good, the ring twists that desire. Frodo is introduced to this notion from Gandalf earlier in the film when he tries to offer the ring to the wizard.

“Understand Frodo, I would use this Ring from a desire to do good. But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.”

As Boromir confronts Frodo in the forest, this dawns on the hobbit. Through Boromir’s innate will to do good, the ring is twisting and corrupting him. He sees it as a weapon, a tool that can aid all that he loves. It shows him that he can save his city from ruin, and become the benevolent king that Gondor has long since yearned for.

“I ask only for the strength to defend my people!”

But of course, he doesn’t know that this would eventually lead to his corruption and downfall. How could he? Earlier in the film, we are shown how desperately he longs to see the white city flourish (portrayed beautifully by Sean Bean) as he opens up to Aragorn in Lothlórien.

“My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing. And our people lose faith. He looks to me to make things right and I would do it — I would see the glory of Gondor restored.”

Slowly, so slowly, we see the hope that was lost in him creep back into his eyes as he speaks about his home:

“You ever seen it, Aragorn? The white tower of Ecthelien, glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver. Its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets?”

I may have never been called home by ringing of trumpets, but I have been called home by the smell of pine, the sound of wind, the fall of snow. I have been called home by long sunsets, the smell of gasoline, the call of a barn owl. In this moment, I see what he sees. I feel that deep love for one’s home, and the fierce will to protect it.

^(I had to include the music from that scene… it gets me every time <3 )

My favourite scene in the trilogy is in the extended edition of The Two Towers. We see Boromir address his fellow men after they retake Osgiliath. He is the best among them. You can almost see his heart on his sleeve as he beams out at the men, chanting “For Gondor! For Gondor! For Gondor!”. But what’s even better is seeing him with Faramir afterwards. I’m the youngest in a family of four kids, and I have always loved Faramir and Boromir’s scene together. “Remember this day, little brother.” would always melt my heart. This is a man who loves deeply.

Then we hear… Denethor. A man who also wants what’s best for his people, but is more corrupted (I’m a Denethor hater, sorry) and unfortunately, he subjects his golden son to this. He puts the thoughts into Boromir’s head that the ring could and should be used for good, used to save all that he loves dearly. And as I’ve mentioned earlier, Boromir is good. He wants what’s best for his city, and if that involves bringing a mighty ring back to his father, then so be it. I find that you can see his hesitation and disquiet about it in their conversation. He’s being told that this ring of power will be used to help, but he knows in his heart that it cannot. Why? BECAUSE HE IS GOOD.

We can’t talk about Boromir without talking about his death. The beginning of this article is a quote from the book of Boromir’s final moments. Tolkien makes it clear to us that Boromir didn’t go down without a fight, and after everything, his last thoughts were for his city. While he believes he has failed all, we still feel for him. You cannot be angry at a man who did what he thought was best, and in trying to remedy that, gave his life to try and save the lives of Merry and Pippin. This fatal last act proves, in my opinion, that Boromir was redeemable.

While technically he did fail Frodo, his city and Merry and Pippin, in the end he did not fail himself. If he had stood idly by and wallowed at his betrayal, he would have betrayed himself. Instead, he fought. He fought because he is a warrior. He fought because he is the best of man. He fought because he loves fiercely. He fought because, in the end, he was still good. Whether it be his final smile, or the way he says in relief: “our people” to Aragorn, I know that he found peace after all.

I read an interesting article about this topic titled The Redemption of Boromir from JRR Jokien and loved how this was put:

“Boromir’s failure is a tragic component of his story, yes. But Boromir’s failure is not the final word in his story.

In the trial and triumph of Boromir, Tolkien masterfully explores the perils and temptation of power alongside the possibility of sacrifice and love as pathways to redemption.” (article)

Boromir’s failure did not exclude him from redemption.

I had the lucky chance to show the LOTR films to someone who had never seen them before. Watching it through the eyes of a person who knew almost nothing of the characters, story and arcs was such a gift. And you know who their favourite characters were? Gollum and Boromir. Two characters who usually receive the most hate. I couldn’t believe it! I asked them why, and for Gollum was told: “His arc was the most compelling. Also, he reminds me of my dog.” (True. Their dog was crazy and made noises very similar to Gollum) When asked about Boromir they said:

“He just wanted to do what was best. I think he did what all of us would’ve done.”

I agree.

To see someone genuinely admire Boromir from the first watch really made me sit back and consider his character, and now I can confidently say that he’s one of my favourite parts of the first film.

Boromir is us. He is the best of us. Yet still he failed. And maybe that’s an encouraging thing to know. Against even the most evil, we can still falter, make mistakes, change. But in the end, if we don’t betray ourselves, if we try to right our wrongs, to learn from our mishaps, we will always be good. Just like Gondor’s son.

I could never hate Boromir now.

kb <3

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“I had thought she understood. They have never understood, and no reason that they should, but if anybody could.”

Amongst the many genius works of Stephen Sondheim, Sunday in the Park with George is one of them. Premiered in July of 1983, running on Broadway for over 600 performances, and having multiple awards and revivals (I literally just read about Jonathan Bailey and Arianna Grande doing it in the West End as I type this), it’s turned into a dearly beloved show by many. I recently had a listen to this musical again, and found myself having an epiphany when I came across the song “Finishing the Hat”. I’ve listened to it countless times before as it’s one of my favourite MT songs of all time, but as I lay in my bed and listened the lyrics… I related to them more than I have to anything in a long time and had the thought:

“Finishing the hat” is actually about the struggles of loving as a neurodivergent person.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early twenties, and have grown up around many friends and peers who are also neurodivergent (ADHD, autistic, OCD, anxiety, bipolar, etc.), so I’d say I have some experience in what I say.

I’ll be focusing on the first act of the show, so to explain the premise quickly: Sunday in the Park with George was inspired by the artist Georges Seurat, or more so his painting A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. We witness Georges (known simply as George in the musical) work on his painting, and his interactions with the different people in the work of art. Mainly, we see his relationship with Dot, who is the model for the woman in the front of the painting as well as his lover. Their relationship doesn’t last, and we watch as George’s obsession with his work isolates himself from everyone in his life. The second act of the musical follows his great-grandson, also named George, as he himself struggles as an artist himself.

In my opinion, George is neurodivergent-coded (specifically autism and ADHD). We see him struggle with words, hyperfixate on this work (as a creative myself, I am always losing myself in my work), be forgetful, have isolation tendencies, and process emotions differently than the rest. Now I’m not officially diagnosing George, I’m just saying all this to give you some perspective on to why I believe he’s neurodivergent (and when I mention neurodivergent people, I’m focusing more on ADHD, autism and OCD, but if you relate to any of it and have a different disorder, hell yeah). Halfway through the first act George takes a seat in the park, after having ran away from Dot who was flaunting her new beau, and sings “Finishing the Hat”. 

From this point on, I will be referencing the song out of context from the show. I’ll be speaking from a personal interpretation of the song outside of the story, though I may refer to things that happen in the show still. While there are many things to break down, I’ll go verse by verse and try my best to connect it all from my squirrel brain!

Let’s go from the start: 

“Yes, she looks for me. Good. Let her look for me to tell me why she left me — as I always knew she would. I had thought she understood. They have never understood, and no reason that they should, but if anybody could…” 

Being in a relationship as a neurodivergent person has never been easy (my romantic ones have struggled the most, but it can also have its moments with platonic and family relationships as well). This opening stanza already hits the nail on the head for the fear that constantly surrounds me in a relationship. “They’re going to find out I’m broken and leave. Maybe they didn’t even know me at all. I always knew they would leave eventually.”

There’s a tendency in folks with ADHD to jump into relationships head-first without looking. We’re infatuated with new things, and pour everything we can into the new person. This can be exciting for the receiver, but as I’ve witnessed many times in myself and with my ADHD friends, that endless pouring out of energy from the ND person eventually runs out. Burn-out takes place. Our less desirable symptoms start to emerge more and our partner starts to see “the real version”.

It’s an ongoing fantasy that we will be understood by them - “I had thought she understood” - but a majority of the time we are not - “They have never understood”. I know my ND friends and I have often expressed our desire for being fully understood by a partner, a constant wish that proves more difficult to believe in as time goes on - “But if anybody could”. Because of this, I find myself planning for the worst from the very beginning, preparing myself for when they eventually leave me - “As I always knew she would”. 

“Finishing the hat. How you have to finish the hat. How you watch the rest of the world from a window, while you finish the hat. Mapping out A sky. What you feel like, planning a sky. What you feel when voices that come through the window go until they distance and die. Until there’s nothing but sky.”

I’m a creative person! I always have been. I’m a professional musician, a music theatre performer, I draw, stitch, read, write, and am always itching to create and to consume creative things. It’s in my blood. This works in my favour a lot of times because of a little something known as hyperfixation. Many creative people can lose themselves in their work, but it is especially a beast when it comes to ND folks.

From the Attention Deficit Disorder Association: “ADHD hyperfixation is an intense focus on a specific activity, hobby, or interest. A person with ADHD may become so absorbed in the activity that they lose track of time or overlook other responsibilities.” (See also: hyperfocus)

George loses himself in his work consistently, to the point where it affects and hurts his personal life and relationships. This stanza represents that feeling very well. We have to finish the hat! I know that I haven’t spoken to you all day, but I have to finish the hat! I haven’t eaten all day and forgot to do the chores, but I have to finish the hat! You get the idea. Everyon can experience losing themselves in something now and again, but there’s something… more… about hyperfixation. It can be all-consuming, and leave our partners out in the dust despite our best intentions. We can even watch these resentments happen in real time as we’re in this state. We can feel the grief of things passing us by while we are stuck - “How you watch the rest of the world from a window while you finish the hat.” - “What you feel when voices that come through the window go until they distance and die.”

In this section, we see a few words repeated in the lyrics. Hat, window and sky. For me, the hat represents the project, the focus, or the “thing” we just need to finish. The window represents the passing of time, the world turning on outside your hyperfixation, as well as a sort of separation ND people feel from the rest of society. The sky represents the overwhelming feeling we have when seeing the scope or size of the project we’re working on, but also a sense of having your head in the clouds; the actual feeling we get when we lose ourselves in our fixation. 

“And how you’re always turning back too late from the grass or the stick or the dog or the light. How the kind of woman willing to wait’s not the kind that you want to find waiting to return you to the night… dizzy from the height… coming from the hat.”

A disappointed gaze, a shake of the head, the refusal to repeat themselves. We live in a constant state of looking too late, missing something by a beat, having to constantly ask for repetitions. It’s caused grief in my relationships with neurotypical folk, as their tolerance for repeating themselves is very thin (one repeat is alright, two if they’re polite, but by three it’s absurd). There’s a myriad of reasons why I struggle to listen to people, but a big one is Auditory Processing Disorder (APD). Tracy Otsuka says in her book ADHD for Smart Ass Women: “Auditory processing disorder is a learning difference that affects how the brain receives, organizes, and interprets sound. People with ADP don’t have hearing loss. Instead, their ears just aren’t in sync with their brain, causing difficulty following directions, listening to multiple speakers, filtering out background noise, discerning the difference between similar-sounding words, and responding to questions.” (Page 193) She hits the nail on the head with that one.

This lyric of “how you’re always turning back too late” literally means George is turning too late from a subject of his painting to something (or someone) else, but I think of it as turning away from any kind of distraction. And even with our best intentions, it’s always too late. To quote Tracy Otsuka again: “Our partners or friends may feel like we never listen or don’t care about them because we struggle to pay attention to what they’re saying or their interests. We might forget the plans we made, tasks we promised to do, or important dates like anniversaries or birthdays.”(page 113)

And when you’ve had a day where perhaps your head’s in the clouds more, or it was “hard to get your attention”, I’ve found that the person I return to at the end of the day… isn’t who I want. They’re frustrated, angry, annoyed, and suddenly I’m racked with guilt. Why couldn’t I have just focused? Just listened (I’m always forgetting the whole attention deficit part of this disorder)? If I was soaring in a newfound hyperfixation (“coming from the hat”), if I was “dizzy from the height”, I always found myself being slammed back to ground by someone I had upset.

Enough times of that, and I started to not even bother trying to fly in the first place.

”Studying the hat, entering the world of the hat. Reaching through the world of the hat like a window — back to this one from that.“

I’ve already talked about how the hat represents hyperfixation itself, but I would like to add another layer to this: The hat is when we create something for someone we love. Not only have I been one to spend hours intensely focused on a project for a loved one, but I’ve also experienced partners being engrossed in something they’re making for me. The pros? You spend time crafting something with so much love to give to someone you love and they receive a wonderful gift. The cons? You accidentally forget that person exists while you’re working on it as you’re so intensely focused. I’ve found that people don’t usually love that part!

I’ve noticed that when I’m working on a gift, I have this tiny thought in the back of my mind saying: “Maybe this will be the thing that finally proves to them that I love them. Maybe this will make them forgive and forget all the times I’ve slipped up. Maybe this will get them to stay” (re: “I find myself planning for the worst from the very beginning, preparing myself for when they eventually leave me“ -me, earlier in this essay). So that feeling of “entering the world” or “reaching through the world” speaks to me more that sometimes the thing I’m so focused on is actually my way to try and reach, understand, and connect it all. Of course, this part can also add beautifully onto the hyperfixation topic alone. For me, I always feel like I’m actually entering the world of whatever I’m entranced in (book, video game, show, this essay, etc.).

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“Studying a face, stepping back to look at a face leaves a little space in the way like a window. But to see— it's the only way to see.”

Oh boy.

While this line refers to George studying faces as an artist and struggling to be in the moment because of it, I see this line referencing to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), Emotional Detachment, and Dissociation. I’m going to quickly give a definition for each of those:

• RSD: “Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is a complex emotional experience that occurs when someone feels a powerful and intense emotional response due to perceived rejection or criticism. This response often brings not just emotional pain but also physical discomfort, making it quite a challenging aspect of our emotional lives.” (Uncovering The Roots And Evolution Of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria , Dr. Megan Anna Neff) 1

• Emotional Detachment: “Emotional detachment is a psychological condition in which a person is not able to fully engage with their feelings or the feelings of others.” (What to know about emotional detachment, Danielle Dresden) 2

• Dissociation: “Dissociation is an involuntary detachment from yourself and your surroundings. It disconnects you from your thoughts, memories, sense of identity, and environment.” (What is Dissociation? Signs, Symptoms, and Treatment, Irina Neagu and Simon Spichak) 3

While I don’t have the best memory, there are some things burned into my brain. The way a partner or friend’s face looks when they’re upset with me, their eyes full of discontent, how their mouth twitches while they try to think of what to say next, or the furrow in their brows as they wait for me to respond. I’ve been in a few arguments, and each one has felt as though my entire world was collapsing. While it’s not an official symptom, many folks with ADHD (especially women) struggle with (RSD). The thought of rejection or criticism hits us so hard that it can physically hurt. What happens when you face rejection, big or small, every day in a relationship? When you’re stuck in a freeze response because your partner is upset at you for forgetting something? Brains are a powerful thing, and they try everything they can to keep us safe. Some of those things can be emotional detachment and dissociation. Personally, I either explode in anger, or I close myself off/shut down. Both have not worked out well for me in the long run. In these times where I’ve faced rejection or criticism, I’ve found myself feeling separated from the conversation at hand and focusing on things that have no importance to it (like the other person’s face).

And look! There’s that window reference again! I’ve found myself blank-faced, staring at someone as if through a window, and examining their face in a logical way. Why?

My brain was trying to protect me.

I was so overwhelmed with their emotions that I simply… stepped away. “Stepping back to look at a face”.

Like I mentioned earlier… I can so clearly picture an ex’s face during one of these moments, yet I couldn’t tell you for the life of me what he had just said. The memories of those faces will haunt me for a while.

“And when the woman that you wanted goes you can say to yourself, "Well, I give what I give." But the woman who won't wait for you knows that however you live there's a part of you always standing by… mapping out the sky… finishing a hat. Starting on a hat. Finishing a hat...”

This was the line that made me sit up in my bed and go “This is me! This is how it feels!” and inspired me to write this essay… analysis… thing. First of all, thank you for reading this far! For indulging me in this weird little niche song from a little niche musical about some niche neurodivergent things.

Remember in the beginning of this I wrote about that feeling of dread in a relationship where I can’t shake the feeling that the person is going to ultimately leave, no matter what I do? This feels like the crescendo of that.

While I don’t use the Genius lyrics website as a reputable source, I sometimes find what’s written there to be… not too bad. For example, someone wrote this about this section:

“George’s response to his love interest abandoning him as a result of his isolationist tendencies is almost laissez-faire in tone as he advises you to respond to a similar situation with:

’Well, I give what I give.’

Notably, George doesn’t advise you to reflect on your actions by what you gave to the people you leave behind, but instead what you give, as if to say that you would do this to anyone when you have to ‘finish the hat.’”

While I do think it’s a bit harsh for the perspective I’m putting this song in, I do ultimately agree with this analysis. I’ve often found myself sometimes blaming my ADHD for things instead of taking full accountability. Sometimes, this is justified, but I know I’ve also used it as a sort of shield before. “Well, I give what I give” can be seen as that kind of shield. On the other hand, I think it’s valid. Sometimes, I can only give what I can give in a relationship or friendship. No matter how hard I try, I may not have enough for the other person. And that’s okay. I’ve learned that that’s okay.

To quote another song in the show, “Move on”. Because however I try to live, there will always be a part of me “mapping out the sky”, and I can only hope that whoever is lucky enough to be in my life can understand that: I will always be finishing a hat, starting on a hat. That I can’t sit still. That I can’t always listen, or focus, or remember. But I’ll see it as my superpower from now on.

“Look I made a hat, where there never was a hat.”

The last phrase in this wonderful song. I struggled a little on what I think of this line, and I’ve found I have a happy and sad version for it.

• Happy: Look! I made a hat! Where there was nothing, I created something! Maybe this is the gift that you finally finished, maybe you finally reached an understanding with someone, maybe your hyperfixation payed off. It’s an exciting thing to have a hat.

• Sad: Well, I finally got to understand myself enough to love my partner fully. I finally finished the thing I was so entranced in. I made a hat! But… there never was a hat. There was never an actual chance that it would work out. They never even wanted what I was going to give them in the first place, so why did I bother? Will the next hat be just the same?

I remember writing something very similar to this in my journal years ago. Something along the lines of “Will this one be just the same as the rest?”. I was referring to the trend I’ve seen happen in my relationships where they all slowly disintegrate before my very eyes while I try to hold it in my hands, not realizing that my hands are the ones causing it (don’t worry, I don’t blame myself fully for breakups anymore. It’s a two-way street and I’m not the only one on the road!).

I’m not entirely sure how to finish this. There’s so much more I want to say, more I want to express, like I have to keep finishing this hat…

I’ll leave you with this quote from Sondheim himself in his book Look, I made a hat:

“One more thing about this song: my fondness for the word ‘hat’. (…) Surely some future graduate student in Musical Theatre, looking for an obscure subject to write about, will seize on "The Use of Headgear in Sondheim's Lyrics" and conjure up insightful theories for my persistent attraction to the word, but I can save him the trouble: it's the jaunty tone and the ease in rhyming that attract me-two sound reasons.”

It made me laugh. I hope he knows how much this song has meant to me.

Thank you. I hope you all get to finish your hat ❤️

kb