it's never enough, is it?
how being a performer is constantly proving yourself
recently i had an interaction with someone that i’ve known for a long time (a friend’s parent), who decided to ask me a lot of questions about my job. granted, i do get asked A LOT about my job (a musician currently on cruise ships) and am always happy to answer them since most people don’t know what it’s like.
however, it was when she asked me “how long do you think you’ll keep doing this for? what’s the plan?”. i looked at her for a few seconds before i chuckled my answer:
“i’ve only been doing this for 3 years! i just started!”
“well i KNOW, but when am i gonna see your name in the credits for a big movie? i want to see that!”
again, i stared at her in slight shock.
“you… i went to school for musical theatre. i’m not really a film actor.” (i have done on-camera work that has even played at the TCL chinese theater in hollywood, but it’s not my main passion)
“okayyy,” she sighed “then what are you doing on these ships? you need to be up on stage performing!”
“i AM performing. every night for 3 hours, solo, i’m entertaining tons of people. just ask my parents!” (they’ve witnessed it firsthand)
“yeah well, it’s not the same.”
pause.
what?
it’s not the same?
this is coming from someone who isn’t in even remotely in the performing arts world.
“i can promise you that what i am doing is performing. it’s just not on a big theatre stage.” i press. “i love music theatre and i miss it everyday, but it’s not going anywhere. i’m ALSO a musician. i’m travelling and doing what i love every night, and i’m really happy with it.”
nothing seemed to satisfy.
she then proceeded to list the big theatre companies in our nearby city and how i should be performing there. little does she know that a majority of their productions hire equity actors from the UNITED STATES.
“don’t you want to at least perform in the theatre on the ship?” she whined.
“no, because my job has way more perks than theirs!” i proceeded to explain all the privileges that i get as a musician, and how my contract lengths are half the length of the theatre performers (which i prefer a 2-4 month contract over a 6-8 month!!). while i have debated auditioning for it, the timing hasn’t worked yet. and again: i love the job that i have already.
“but what about when you’re home? why not try to do do music stuff here?” she asked.
of course, she doesn’t know that it is significantly harder to get consistent musician gigs on land, and at a fraction of the pay. i was going to explain that to her, but i was getting pretty frustrated so i said:
“i work for Disney. is that not enough for you?”
this made her laugh and lay off a little.
arguably one of the biggest entertainment companies in the world, and i was one of the lucky few who had proven their skills and talent to be working consistently for them for 3+ years now. let alone being a young woman in this field of work and having to prove myself WAY MORE than my male counterparts.
a big company name that sits at the top of my resume like a shiny trophy. a household name. a name that everyone knows.
and yet.
it’s not enough.
people have their own ideas of what your accomplishments should be. it happens to everyone, but so much so with performers. artists, musicians, dancers, writers, etc.
they box you into their brain in what a “success” would be to them, even if they’re miles apart from the industry. a doctor asking me why i’m not on broadway. a mechanic demanding what movies i’ve been in. the countless skeptical reactions i’ve received after revealing that my bachelors degree is in fine arts/musical theatre.
yet here i am, defending my accomplishments, listing anything that may be “good enough” to pass their test of success. but sometimes even my biggest accomplishments simply aren’t enough. because i’m not “in the credits on the big screen” (again, i’m 99% sure she knows that i’m a musician/performer first, and not really a screen actor).
this conversation has been a stain on my shirt for a few days now. i already struggle with feeling the need to chase something new, instead of sitting in what i’ve dreamed about and enjoy it in the moment. i’ve only been doing this for 3 years! i don’t need to tell you “how long i plan on doing this for”.
i’ve had imposter syndrome follow me around like an annoying younger cousin since i first thought “am i good enough?”. so forgive me for scoffing at you when my list of accomplishments aren’t “good enough” for you.
i’m really really good at what i do.
and you can’t tell me otherwise.
peace and love,
kb <3
You are really really good at what you do, and it just goes to show that sometimes, people will never want to understand why you do things. Especially if it contrasts with the idea of success is in their mind.
But you are a brilliant musician, and an even better more patient person for trying to explain it to her, honestly. 💛