moon river and me

the cycle of a relationship's song

it’s late in the evening, we just watched a live performance (a show I used to play in) where they sang “Moon River”, one of our favourite arrangements. we still haven’t kissed yet, but the pressure has been mounting all day. in fact, it’s been mounting for months of texting and audio messages and calls, and has lingered in the air since we last said goodbye with a quick friendly peck, both buzzing on lack of sleep and a budding crush.

we make it back to his room, and I turn on “Moon River” (Barbara Streisand’s version) and ask for a dance. he takes my hand (“damn, I’m pretty smooth” i think) and we slowly dance. i can feel his heartbeat pounding along with mine as nerves start to creep in. but as Babs crescendos and softens to the end of the song, we pull back and kiss. finally. giddy on wine and music, we giggle through breaths.

from then on, it becomes our song. something that always makes us think of one another. i had already loved this song before, having played it in a live jazz show with people i adore. and every time i had played it after the kiss, he would be there to watch, and we’d share a silent smile and “i love you” across the crowds.

we even talked about it being our first dance song. something so intimate, so special, that only the best song would do. that was our song: “Moon River”.

that first kiss was 2.5 years ago.

we’re not together anymore.

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so what do you with a song that you loved before, but is now the orphan of a failed relationship?

what do you do when that song makes you want to cry, to scream, to throw things at the walls because you will never get those 2.5 years back? because you can only work everyday to remember that you are not a bad person, that you are kind, and that you will never let someone treat you the way he did again? what once was a song you loved because of good things now only remind you of bad?

you keep playing it.

i work as a musician. i sing and i play piano on cruise ships for my job (forever grateful for this). for a few weeks after january, i couldn't fathom playing or singing it, even if it fit into so many of my set themes, or people wanted to hear it. because if i thought about the words or got lost in the melody, i would surely cry.

but something amazing happened instead…

in march, i started a new contract, and started playing “Moon River” again every cruise. i would tell people that it’s one of my favourites; that it’s one of the most beautiful songs every written; that it’s an iconic piece of music. but i didn’t tell them that it could’ve been my soundtrack to my first dance. that the thought of marrying the person connected to that song had terrified me, and that i didn’t listen to that gut instinct for 2.5 years. i let those thoughts and emotions flow out of my fingers, out of my voice, each time until it was washed away little by little, like the waves hitting the side of the ship. eventually, i fell back in love with it.

on my last contract, i played it as the very last song on my last day. 3 years since i started this job. almost 3 years since we met. but i am more than he ever was, i am back to myself, and i have found my moon river again. it’s now my own love song because i am my greatest love.

and he cannot take that away from me.

Moon river and me,

kb <3